A SEARCH FOR A PURPOSE

Our Hawk

I do not want to die,
My life barely begun,
Hardship has been my lot,
Trauma and worry too.

My bliss still to be found,
The joy each day to see,
Burdens all left behind,
Not carried all alone.

Fly with the hawk above,
Ride my horse through the woods,
Run with wind in my hair,
Soar the heights yet to come.
Marta Moran-Bishop copyrighted 2011

As so many people in life, my purpose has changed, year to year. Once upon a time it was, “The Good Wife,” then it became “The Caretaker.” Now, it is multi-fold, sometimes unclear, always changing, depending upon the
circumstances of the day.

For me to say I have only one purpose would be to presuppose that my life was not complex. I am constantly involved in something, at times
it is my writing. For without my writing I would be at a loss to release the feelings I have inside of me. I would lose that all important connection with myself.

 My writing is also about remembering the good with the bad in life. Not all childhoods where good, most have moments that if looked for, can be remembered fondly. I am not sure there is such a thing as a perfect childhood. Too many remember only the slights, not the glories of climbing the first tree or making cloud pictures. In the innocence of childhood, the happiness of a puppy, kitten, or the beauty of a rose, can be found the real meaning of bliss. As adults it becomes harder for us to remember that innocent joy. The stress of the day brings anger, rage, and for many a disconnection with ourselves and our loved ones. I believe one of my purposes is to help bridge the gap between generations and help others to find the connection to themself and their loved ones.

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These last three years I have been working at the local utility company answering telephones. One can say I am lucky in today’s world to have a job, they are right and wrong. For it is there that I have seen the worst in people. The constant barrage of rage, lack of personal responsibility, and sometimes the inability to understand consequences boggles the mind. Instead of taking that responsibility it has become the norm to scream, yell, use foul
 language, threaten, or otherwise abuse another. After all they are allowed to vent and our job is to be empathetic. What is my purpose, how can one even feel good about the work they do or find joy in the day, when it is to be filled with hundreds of people screaming and yelling at you?

This week I have learned I must undergo a round of cancer testing. It appears I am in a high risk category. I have two sisters who have had ovarian cancer, one still fighting it and I am displaying some possible symptoms. It is frightening, so much in fact that I have spent the better part of my week, coming home from the daily abuse at work and gone to bed, unable to
attempt to deal with anything.


But, I have learned something so vital this week; it brings me nearly to my knees in thanks. I have learned how to steal a brief few moments of bliss during the day. On my fifteen minute break, I walk outside, stand, and watch the clouds move through the sky, touching the trees with the slight breeze. Listen to the little birds sing. Watch the hawk circle the sky, or sit
on the lamp-post waiting. And for those few moments, the screaming, angry people are left behind and I have found bliss.

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What is my purpose? In my job, I believe it is to learn to find what is important in life. To work my way past the anger that is all around us
today and find a place of peace within me. For this I must let go of my own angers at the lack of responsibility and common courtesy that so many in our society have lost. I must learn to take my small moments of joy, bliss, and happiness. And not sink into the realms of despair over what might be or what the day has brought. I must remember to snuggle my fur babies, love my husband, and smile at the antics of the horses or cats. 

My purpose in this moment is to love life.

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